Worship in Chaos

A baby was crying. Toys were scattered, and water spilled on the floor. Unwashed dishes. A toddler running around the house.

This is what most of my days look like.

I know that my nervous system has three options during times like this: freeze, fight, or flight. But that day, I think it chose to freeze. I sat down in the corner and mentally spaced out. Google says it is due to "overstimulation," a condition that is very common among mothers. While I was mentally in another world, imagining a peaceful day with two young kids, an uncluttered space, and clean dishes, a little voice brought me back to reality.

"Mommy, it's worship time!" my toddler said, with excitement in his eyes and voice.

It meant it was time for me to open the laptop and play a couple of live worship videos. This has been our afternoon habit for the past few weeks.

As I stood up from the corner and opened the laptop, I felt like a mess. How can I worship when I'm not at my best? How can I worship when our house looks as if it has been hit by a tornado? How can I worship when part of me feels grateful for this life, but another part of me complains?

"Mommy, it's worship time!" my toddler said again.

When the first note of the song hit, I couldn't help but cry. No words came out of my mouth. At that moment, what felt right was simply to close my eyes and silently pour out all my frustrations and tiredness to Him. My eyes felt heavy because of the tears, but my heart slowly became lighter. There was this overwhelming sense that I was wholly accepted, no matter what state I was in. It felt as if God was gently saying to me, "Come as you are."

In hindsight, I remember looking over and seeing my toddler jumping and raising his hands. That moment taught me about the many faces of worship. Just like my toddler, there are moments when I feel like worshiping with joy—as if to say, Let's do this! But there are also times when I don't feel like worshiping at all. And I think that's okay too.

I want to believe that God accepts this kind of worship. Worshiping with a doubting heart—maybe this is okay. Worshiping with a list of rants about life—maybe this is okay. Worshiping with a heavy heart—maybe this is okay.